Jim denies having feelings for Spock.


There was blood, it was on him, on his hands, everywhere he looked, green blood. His stomach was twisted in knots, he entered sickbay holding on to the alien hand he called friend. He was cold, Spock did not like the cold. As his body was placed on a bio-bed he searched McCoy's reassurance that he would be o.k. McCoy's usual smile was not met but instead a worried glance.



"Bones, how is he? Will he live?" said Jim not knowing if he wanted an answer.



"It's too early to say Jim. I'll let you know after surgery."



Jim hadn't realized but he was still holding his friends hand and that he had to let go. The moment he did he felt fear, fear that it was the last time that he would touch his skin to his.



"Jim, I'll do everything I can, you should go rest. Scotty has the conn that's an order." said McCoy his tone strong and gentle.



"You'll let me know if there is any change?" said Jim quietly.



"You'll be the first to know. Please go rest."



McCoy left Jim alone with his thoughts.



The captain quickly bolted out of bed when he heard McCoy's voice over the intercom. He quickly grabbed his robe and went to answer it.



"Kirk here Bones how is he?" said Jim wanting to detect good news from his friends voice.



"He's out of danger Jim. He lost a lot of blood but we gave him a transfusion and now he's in his healing trance. We just have to wait til he comes around."



"Ill be right there Kirk out." said Jim anxiously.



The captain arrived in sickbay and went straight to the bio-bed where McCoy was hovering over. As he approached he again felt fear, but mixed with relief.



"Jim you should rest he's not conscious yet". said McCoy quietly.



"I just want to see him, let him know that I'm here."



"I never got a chance to look you over how are you?"



"I'm fine Bones, just a few bruises that's all."



"Sometimes it isn't just the physical that's hurt Jim, emotionally I think you are in a lot more pain then you realize." said McCoy thoughfully to his friend.



"Bones, he did it again. He leaped before he looked. This is the third time in a month. I keep telling him he doesn't have to protect me with himself as a shield. He isn't quick on his feet like I am. He's tall, gangly, uncoordinated. I believe he'd trip over his own feet if he tried to dance."said Jim in a half sad smile.



"I know, hey come for a drink I got some good stuff it'll help kill the pain."



"In a moment o.k. I..I .just want to be with Spock a bit." said Jim quietly.



"O.K. I'll get our drinks ready."said McCoy heading for the liquor cabinet.



Jim went near Spock and held his had. It felt warm, he was gonna get better and that made Jim relax a little.



Jim looked at Spock's figure lying motionless. He looked peaceful when he slept and younger. Jim squeezed Spock's hand a little more. McCoy stepped out of his office and saw Jim next to his friend holding his hand. McCoy feeling that he was intruding waited in his office for him to come.



Moments later Jim was there and McCoy gave him his drink. Jim took the offered drink and downed it. The feeling of the burning liquid going down his throat hurt but he needed it to numb the feelings that were surfacing.



"Somethings bothering you Jim what is it?"



"I'm fine, just a little shaken up. Can I have another?"



"Jim it isn't like you to be drinking without taking your time. Stop pacing, sit down and talk to me."



"I didn't realize that I was pacing Bones. I was just trying to get rid of some pent up emotions."



"So what you are pent up about? Or do I have to guess?" said McCoy with a smirk.



" What is that supposed to mean?"



"Never mind."



"No, you started it what do you mean by your statement?"



"Jim we've been friends for as long as i can remember and you've been captain now for over 4 years. I know you, sometimes more than you know yourself."



"Go on."



"I see how you look at Spock, you care alot about him."



"I care for my crew Bones, isn't that normal. When they get injured I feel responsible. I can't help being close to them."



"Jim, there's a difference, you don't hold hands with everyone who gets injured. You do that only with Spock."



"That's different, he's my friend, my science officer, my first officer. He's important to the well being of the ship. Starfleet has alot invested in him."



"What about you Jim, what do you have invested in him?"



"I don't know where you are going with this."



"Do I have to spell it out for you. You've been biten by the love bug. You're in love with Spock."



Jim stared at McCoy and a smile began to surface the Captain's face.



"Bones, you've been taking to many trips to your liquor cabinet. You need to sober up."



"You're denying it?" said McCoy increduosly.



"Yes, I'm denying it. What you suggest is ludicrous. Spock is my friend period just like you are."





"Funny, i don't remember my hand being held and talked too like someone's lover."



"What are you insinuating Bones? That I want Spock in a sexual manner?"



"That's exactly what I'm saying."



"You need to see a shrink. Better yet I'll make it an order."



"You want proof Jim. Haven't you noticed the amount of time you spend with him. You're with him on the bridge during your shift, when your shift is over you still seek him out. Either it's for a game of chess, breakfast, lunch, dinner in the mess hall, workout in the gym, swimming, racketball the list is endless. Lately you don't even want to come with me for shore leave to see the ladies you'd prefer stay on board to spend more time with Spock because poor little Spock doesn't like shore leave. The only time you are not together is at night. Don't worry you keep this up it won't be too long that.."



"Shut up. Shut the fuck up Bones. Don't you dare go there. I, Captain James Tiberius Kirk is not gay. Never have been never will be. Got it."



"I can't believe you Jim. You've always been accepting in any forms of love. Atleast that's what I thought. Do I have a homophobic in front of me?"



"I do not care what people do behind closed doors. I do not need it to be shoved in my face. I am apalled that would think that I would have those tendencies. I have been a heterosexual male for as long as I can remember, I love women, love their legs, their breasts...etc. You cannot make me believe that one day I

happen to meet a man and boom I'm gay."



"Maybe you just don't realize what you are doing when you're in Spock's space. You smile at him, only him. You look at him like you want to devour him. You brush up against him or fake back pain for him to give you a massage. You are constantly in his personal space. Need i say more."



"I am not gay."



"O.K. Jim, you're bisexual then."



"I'm needed on the bridge."



"Scotty is in command."



"Then i'll relieve him. Anything to get away from you."



"Jim your living in denial. If you don't believe me try a little experiment for me. When Spock regains consciousness I want you feel how you are feeling when you are in his presence. When you are on the bridge and he's at his station I want to look at him and feel what you are feeling. I believe you'll have your answer."



Jim stood up, downed is second drink that McCoy had poured for him and walked out. He wanted to be near Spock's bed again, to touch his hand but thought against it. It would only give McCoy more ammunition. So he left sickbay and headed to the bridge with remnants of Spock on his mind.